Oh the Nappies

Oh the Nappies

Today marks a bad day for me in the ole nappy department, upon seeing my little princess tense up and her face turn purple I knew that a nappy change was on the cards. I usually don’t mind nappy changes. especially during the first 10 months when my darling daughter lay there smiled and laughed, goo-ed and gaga-ed at me, let me clean her up, rub cream on her and close the nappy without a second glance! I was my own master, I’d have everything to hand and it was like a Formula 1 pit stop… then she started to crawl! Now, I have nothing against nappy companies but when you see the ads for the pull-up nappies preaching about how much easier they are to use than the dreaded tape nappies, what the sneaky promos leave out is the true misery of a wriggling child with a full nappy! They don’t show the nappy cream smeared on clothes and carpets and they definitely don’t show the melt downs that changing time can potentially cause! So, since we started using pull-ups and Jade discovered the joy of crawling, I’ve done some pretty drastic things to get attention. The first was a strobe ball (yes, something that with hindsight could cause an epileptic fit!) it worked for about a week, then I moved onto “Let It Go” from Frozen, after that there was Sia “Move Your Body” but recently only Silly Daddy will work. Silly Daddy means I whip off the trousers at speed and wear them like a hat while singing songs and dancing around with the legs of the trousers dangling down by my face – attractive, I know! So, back to the purple faced child; knowing there was a nappy change on the cards, I did the proper recon and prepared the area. I had a changing mat, a nappy, wet wipes at the ready, tissues to dry the bottom, nappy cream and my phone ready to play Sia, just in case! Then to the routine – her black trousers were whipped off at the ankles, I grabbed the waist band and lash them straight up on my head, thankfully it’s working, she’s quiet and happy! Next, baby vest buttons opened, then I started to think something was awry, the changing mat had a sticky trail, suddenly her legs shot up and I saw some more, this was it, my worst fear – we had had an exploder. It filled the nappy so fast that it started to fountain out the sides. Nappy open, Silly Daddy on, Sia singing her heart out in the background and off came the nappy… Oh dear, the stench is what I imagine a corpse would smell like after a few weeks, the sight was just as bad but then my little crawler decided so had to stand up! Poo hits the mat at great speed and I try to wipe it up and save the carpet – and fail miserably! Jade’s foot finds its way into the offending nappy and she starts to fall backwards, I grab her and she puts that very foot down on my hand; lovely!! Finally all clean, well she is anyway, and I throw out the nappy and go upstairs to get more clothes and wash up, but just as I pass the mirror, I see another trail of poo… The horror as I remember the trousers whipped from the ankles!! Well they just as filthy as the unfortunate changing mat, and YES, they were still on my head… Silly Daddy had just whipped a load of fresh excrement on his balding head!! I was absolutely devastated, and of course my wife just laughed uncontrollably (but still managed to find the time to take picture and NOT help her distressed spouse!) I removed the trousers very slowly to avoid the elastic flinging what was left of the sticky mess around the room – or worse still into my mouth!! I decided to retire Silly Daddy after THAT little incident!
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